Jill

I had a delightful bike ride today along the Sammamish River Trail this afternoon.  One of my favorite things about cycling is getting lost in meditative thought, never knowing where your mind is going to take you .....

I started thinking about the dinner party game of asking people which of your bodily senses- vision, hearing, taste, etc- you would least like to lose.  Most people answer vision, sometimes people answer hearing.  To me, the answer is touch.

From a physician's standpoint, while losing vision would be challenging, I think it's even more dangerous to lose touch.  Touch is important for safety- avoiding hot or sharp objects, for example.  When diabetic patient's develop peripheral neuropathy, they often do severe damage to their feet, sometimes leading to amputation.  Loss of touch is one of the reasons old men tend to break their cars in a ratchety, choppy motion- they can't feel the gas pedal reliably, so they rely on visual stimuli to break, which isn't as sensitive.  Loss of touch leads to falls, which can be fatal.

But it's more than that- touch, to me, is the essence of what it means to be human.  The feeling of warmth of a mother's hug, cuddling a loved one, the feel of a dog's fur- so many of our most joyful experiences are touch.

I think touch is clearly the most important sense, but because it is so intimate to what means to be a person, it's hard to conceptualize not having it.  And for that reason, it often goes unappreciated.

..... so I continued cycling past the vineyards in Woodinville, and started thinking about another big picture question- who is the most influential person I've ever known.  Since I am not far removed working in academia, my first thoughts turned to my academic mentors.  Then I thought to my close friends, many of whom I've known and remained close to since grade school, and my parents, and my older brother Mike, who I grew up idolizing ....

and then it occurred to me that the obvious person was my twin sister Jill.  Jill is clearly the most important person in my life, the one person who has had more impact on making me the person I am than anyone else in the world.

For those who don't have a twin, we certainly don't have any superpowers or a hidden telepathic bond (as awesome as that would be).  There was a period from our early teens through our 20s when Jill and I weren't even particularly close.  One of the joys of middle age, however, is the perspective you gain from being able to look back on life decisions and realize how much someone has made an impact on your life even when you didn't realize it.

The greatest gift of having Jill as a twin as that I've always had a peer comparison for everything I've done.  I think, for me, having a twin sister was particularly valuable, and my entire life I have been fascinated with the variation between boys and girls.  One obvious example is my PhD work, looking at sex differences in overhand throwing performance, and another is my current clinical interest in the role of sex differences in musculoskeletal injuries, whether it be because of differences in biomechanics or hormones.

But it's more than that. I think that I've always positioned myself to have two pathways in life, whether it's being a double major in college (Math and Zoology), having two possible career pathways (MD/PhD, or Professional Wrestler), doing a dual degree MD/PhD ... I think I always craved the comfort of having two options available to me.

I've also always craved partnership.  Ever since Jill wasn't in my life on a daily basis, I've been on the look for surrogate twins.  One such person was Jim McLean, my best friend in both residency and fellowship.  We just passed the 6th anniversary of Jim passing away (http://jimmcleanmd.blogspot.com/), and perhaps my thoughts about Jill are part of my coping with how much I miss Jim.  I often struggle in wondering whether I am doing right by Jim's memory ....

.... and that brings my back to Jill.  I am fortunate not just in having a twin sister, but specifically in that my twin sister is Jill.  One of my great joys in life is introducing Jill to people close to me for the first time.  She's .... kind is probably the best word.  She's very sweet, both in how she treats me, but in how she treats everyone - her husband Steve, her children Kaine, Landon, and Kaylen.

That kindness is Jill's greatest gift to me.  There are lots of forms of love that exist in the world, but I don't think there is any as pure as that of a twin sister.  One of my favorite memories of Jill is finding a tape when we were teenagers, at an age when we were frequently bickering with one another.  It was a tape that we made when we were 5 years old, singing the soundtrack to "Grease".  It was pure, it was sweet, it was joyful and it was kind.  It was a wonderful reminder of how it's easy to take for granted having Jill in my life from the beginning, and not taking her for granted.

It's nice to have moments to reflect back on how much kindness matters.  It's nice to know you have someone who loves you unconditionally, who is rooting for you, takes joy in your successes, is a source of comfort for your struggles, and is such an intimate part of the fabric of who you are that to be without them would be like living in a world without touch.

So, thank you Jill, for your kindness, and reminding me what it means to be a good person.  I love you.